This was a tough blog post for me to write, but here goes:
“Being a stay at home mom is the best decision I ever made!”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way!”
“I love every minute of it!”
Do these remarks pretty much sum up your life as a stay at home mom? Well they don’t for me. Does that make me a bad mother? No. I’m sure I am not the first parent who has left the work place, only to discover that raising their children was far harder than going to work each day. I’ve stayed at home with my kids now for 5 months. I left a decent 9 to 5 job with full benefits, 401K, bonus and great coworkers so that I didn’t have to put my kids in daycare. The results are in….this job is hard, and it comes without any vacations or pay raises.
Hi, if you don’t know me, I’m Kim. I am a 36 year old <gasp> mother of two in Illinois that just became a stay at home mom. I’m here to give you a look into my life as I journey into caring for my children, taking care of the household, blogging, training for a marathon, and being a wife.
My day starts pretty much on the dot at 5:45am. My husband leaves for work to catch the train into the city, where he works. The only time I get to see him in the morning is when he gives me a kiss good-bye. Our newest addition to the family, Emmy, is 5 months old today and pretty much has an internal clock that wakes up anywhere between 5:15am-5:45am. If I ever got to sleep in past 6:00am, it would be a dream. (I suppose I can’t complain, as she’s been sleeping through the night since she was 10 weeks old). I nurse her and then we head into the living room for a little tummy time and floor mat activities. I sip on some coffee and watch the local morning news. Then our oldest daughter, Charli, wakes up by 7:00am, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to start the day.
By 7:15am, Emmy is usually all ready for her first nap of the day. I lay her down and hope that she sleeps for 1-2 hours. Then, Charli and I eat breakfast and usually she’s screaming for “Peppa Pig” to be on. After a few episodes, we like to work on some kind of activity: coloring, puzzles, wooden toys, etc. Between CONSTANT snacking and TRYING to potty train, my energy seems to be drained by 10:00am. I feel like I yell at them more than I should and that makes me feel so guilty.
I look at the clock and secretly already wish it was 3:00pm. The day is still young. This means I still have the whole day to think up ways to entertain them. I am not artsy or creative, I don’t have them in organized play groups and I don’t have them signed up for all of these great programs that other moms seem to be doing. (Ugh, the pressure)
Lately, the baby has only been napping for an hour and the toddler does not want to nap at all. This means that I am literally splitting my time between 2 kids at once and one of them is usually whining or crying. I would not be lying if I said that I wish I was still a working mom. Most days I dream about not watching cartoons, or having children screaming in my face. To change into “real” clothes and look pretty again seems pretty appealing. My new “mom-attire” is not sitting well with the hubby, as he has mentioned buying me new “lounge-around” dresses to wear while I’m at home.
If I am lucky, I can get Charli to eat a real lunch instead of snacks. She’s become finicky lately and it doesn’t help when I’ve already bought a lot of the items that she once liked <sigh>. I sit down to check my emails and work on contacting companies to work with me on blog collaborations. It’s not as easy as you think. Companies aren’t jumping out at you trying to working with you. And all of the work that goes into making one blog post can take days. You need to compose a great written piece, comply with guidelines, take great photos, post on all sorts of social media and work on getting viewers. It’s the best part of my day and the most strenuous. I’m constantly trying to capture great photos of my kids and that is super hard when neither of them ever sit still!
Once the early afternoon rolls around, I’m nursing Emmy again and giving Charli more snacks. I decide if it’s suitable to go outside to play. It’s been really hot here and some days you just don’t want your kids out in that heat. Thank goodness for indoor play areas at malls, indoor pools at our gym, and libraries. This is also our grocery shopping time. Oh yeah….I need to decide on dinner…..shoot!
Maybe the toddler has had a nap, and maybe she hasn’t. Lately she does NOT want to nap anymore…ugh. If she does, then I can do laundry, clean up toys and dishes, prepare a blog post, and maybe catch an episode of a TV show. I won’t lie and say that the pressure is on for me to have the house clean and dinner cooked when the hubby gets home. I don’t want him to think I sit around and just “play with the kids”, or watch TV all day. The dinner’s are not gourmet or too well thought out, but it’s something.
Once I verify that the hubby is back on the train again, I know when to have dinner ready and what time I will be able to go out for a run. I’m training for the Chicago Marathon again and it’s pretty critical that I get 3 runs in during the week before my long run trainings on Saturday morning. I have to rely on him getting home on time so I can get outside for some alone time on the pavement. (No treadmills for me…yuck). I definitely feel angst if I don’t get my training runs in weekly. Training this go around has not been easy and getting back into it has been hard. I feel guiltier than ever being away from my kids for even a 30 minute run.
So the hubby has the kids for some playtime and I return from my run as quick as I can, take a shower (yeah for days that I run!!) and then help clean the house and get the kids ready for bed. It’s like I can’t relax until I know the kids are taken care of. Charli ALWAYS wants a bath, so that is non-negotiable. She usually is ready for her own bed around 9:00pm. Emmy gets nursed one last time around 9:30pm and she, myself and my hubby go to bed around 10:00pm.
In bed, I get to finally talk to my hubby about how our days went. Most of the time we are just so tired, we understand that we can talk later, so we would rather just get some sleep. We try to catch up on conversation through short text messages during the day. In all honesty it is me that primarily takes care of the kids. He’s one of those dads that really doesn’t know what he’s doing (sorry, honey!). He’s better suited to fix and maintain the house while I nurture and tend to the kids. For me, it’s a 24 hour job. I feel like the kids are just his playmates for a couple of hours after work.
I have a thousand thoughts go through my head at night while my husband can sleep through a World War. I usually ponder the kind of mother I am, how good of a job I am doing, what I could do better or how I could have handled my emotions when one of them was acting up. I know there is room for improvement….I am not going to lie. I am an “OK” mom and sure there are more things I could be doing with my kids. I am literally just tired and trying to hang on to my sanity most days. I wish I could handle my emotions better, that way my husband wouldn’t have to hear me complain about the kids all the time. I am so used to more adult interaction and getting accolades when I do a good job. There’s not much conversation or recognition in my new role.
Anyone else feel like they are the words “Okay-est” mom? Do you feel guilty about not going to a “real job” and contributing financially? Or feel like you are lonely and have no friends? Do you miss spending time with your significant other? MOST days I do feel this way….and that’s the truth. I love my children with all of my heart and that is no lie. If I could choose between work and daycare, I would still choose to stay at home with them, even though I feel it’s the hardest job in the world. If anyone is going to TRY to raise my kids, it will be me. Plus, these sweet little faces are all mine and I don’t want to share.
-Kim
